Revision strategy for an essay
This is a revision strategy for an essay a young man wrote. The essay prompt was to write an essay about something you are good at and what did this teach you about yourself.
Upon reading this essay I have learned that the author's name is Justin he is 18 and Asian. Justin's thesis statement is very loud and clear. Justin is very descriptive and good with keeping his paragraphs flowing. However, the thesis statement is not really telling us what he is good at, it rather speaks of his bad habits.
Global concerns through out the essay are the use of poor grammar, run on sentences that make no sense. The use of slang words and improper abbreviations such as, spending $$ on fashion(3). Also, the use of capital letters in the middle of sentences. While reading through the essay it also seems that you keep speaking of the same themes. I felt as if I was reading a brief biography on your teen life versus what you are good at. Another important concern is the lack of proper English, which may be due to not learning the English language very well.
The use of improper punctuation was also noted several times as well as listing items in the sentence in parenthesis. I am not sure who the reading audience will be for this essay, but it is not very positive. The tone of the essay is very immature and self centered basically about partying,the tone also seemed like you were just bragging. Most of the information in the essay speaks of you turning age 18 and beginning to drink and smoke (5). Also, in the essay you speak of your weakness "I easily get attracted to beautiful girls" (27). This essay was to discuss your strengths, not weaknesses.
In total review of this essay I would recommended that you rewrite the essay. Try to think of one thing you are good at to write about. Do not list your bad habits and spending money, most readers will not want to read about how you party all of the time. Continue to practice on your grammar, you can benefit from an English course. Do not use slang talk and abbreviations, this will confuse the reader and they will not understand the lingo you are using. You have the knack to be descriptive in your writing use that to your advantage.
lastly, when you are concluding your essay keep it short and to the point of your thesis. Your conclusion went on for several paragraphs and went into a whole different story about random strangers and you almost losing your life (47-48) these last paragraph's are totally off topic and really lose the reader. At the very end of your essay you wrote "Drink/party safely and responsibility" (60). Again, this has no reference to the thesis statement and just keeps focusing on partying. Remember what the essay prompt is really asking you to write about and that will help you stay focused on the thesis of your essay.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Practice exam #2 Analysis and response/ Pre writing
"Digging"
By
Seamus Heaney
Analysis and Response Essay
Pre-writing
Subject: a young man speaking of his father and grandfather. The author illustrates how they both worked very hard on a potato farm using spades.
Relationships: while reading this poem I feel the writer is speaking of the men in past tense. Remembering their laboring skills to crop the potatoes. The writer also speaks of a time when he helped with the work. I sense the author is reflecting back to his childhood.
Stanza: flows clearly and is easy to read. The writer uses powerful adjectives to describe the actions taking place when the older men are working.
Tone: matter of fact, to the point. I feel the writer at times has guilt for not being involved or not a strong worker as his father and grandfather were.
Conflict: At the end of the poem the young man reflects again of his father and grandfather working hard with their hands. The author makes it clear that he too has strong hands now and will use them to pen down the admirable story of his loved ones who once worked so hard while he watched.
The poem "Digging" by Seamus Heaney is very deep. This poem can make the reader dig deep into their own mind to wonder what the author is trying to let the reader know. Upon reading the poem several times I have come to my own analysis. This poem illustrates childhood memories, an admiration for two strong men and the need for the author to proclaim his strength through writing.
Reading the first two lines of the poem the reader can understand that the pen is very important to the author, here is where the author finds his most strength and with his pen he begins the journey into his childhood memories. "Under my window, a clean rasping sound when the spade sinks into gravelly ground: My father digging. I look down" (Heaney 3-5). This stanza is illustrating the authors memory as a boy hearing his father digging in the dirt, he can clearly remember his father digging to crop potatoes. In lines 6-9 the author depicts how as a boy it seemed like his father was always digging, always doing the same rhythmic motion of the work.
I felt the author has much admiration for the strength of his father and grandfather. It seems to me like the author at the time was young and could not keep up the pace of the older men, still he tried to do the manly work as evidenced by, "to scatter new potatoes that we picked, loving their cool hardness in our hands" (Heaney 13-14). The author speaks of how his father is just like his grandfather, possibly even a better farmer than his father. "My grandfather cut more turf in a day than any other man on Toner's bog" (Heaney 17-18). The author recalls how his grandfather was so intently focused on the crop he uses the word "digging" to illustrate the constant work ethic that the author would of liked to be part of.
The last stanzas of the poem clearly speak of the authors feelings of inadequacies of not being strong enough to "dig" like his father and grandfather. Was it that he was just a boy or was he not strong enough for that type of work, he does not say. In lines 27-28 Heaney speaks of not being able to follow men like his father and grandfather. Again, it is not clear if this was do to age or strength, but the author wants the reader to know that he is strong with his pen and thinks of the pen as his spade "between my finger and my thumb the squat pen rests, I'll dig with it" (Heaney 29-31). This clearly speaks of the author stating his strength is through his writing. He uses his strength to document the commitment his family had to the farm, by this he is keeping the legacy of the "Digging" alive.
In conclusion, this poem speaks of a man's fond memories of himself as a boy who admired the strength and work ethic of his father and grandfather. The author subtly lets the reader know that he too is strong in his own way and will continue the "Digging" through his penmanship which will always be his spade and the writing he completes will be his harvest.
By
Seamus Heaney
Analysis and Response Essay
Pre-writing
Subject: a young man speaking of his father and grandfather. The author illustrates how they both worked very hard on a potato farm using spades.
Relationships: while reading this poem I feel the writer is speaking of the men in past tense. Remembering their laboring skills to crop the potatoes. The writer also speaks of a time when he helped with the work. I sense the author is reflecting back to his childhood.
Stanza: flows clearly and is easy to read. The writer uses powerful adjectives to describe the actions taking place when the older men are working.
Tone: matter of fact, to the point. I feel the writer at times has guilt for not being involved or not a strong worker as his father and grandfather were.
Conflict: At the end of the poem the young man reflects again of his father and grandfather working hard with their hands. The author makes it clear that he too has strong hands now and will use them to pen down the admirable story of his loved ones who once worked so hard while he watched.
The poem "Digging" by Seamus Heaney is very deep. This poem can make the reader dig deep into their own mind to wonder what the author is trying to let the reader know. Upon reading the poem several times I have come to my own analysis. This poem illustrates childhood memories, an admiration for two strong men and the need for the author to proclaim his strength through writing.
Reading the first two lines of the poem the reader can understand that the pen is very important to the author, here is where the author finds his most strength and with his pen he begins the journey into his childhood memories. "Under my window, a clean rasping sound when the spade sinks into gravelly ground: My father digging. I look down" (Heaney 3-5). This stanza is illustrating the authors memory as a boy hearing his father digging in the dirt, he can clearly remember his father digging to crop potatoes. In lines 6-9 the author depicts how as a boy it seemed like his father was always digging, always doing the same rhythmic motion of the work.
I felt the author has much admiration for the strength of his father and grandfather. It seems to me like the author at the time was young and could not keep up the pace of the older men, still he tried to do the manly work as evidenced by, "to scatter new potatoes that we picked, loving their cool hardness in our hands" (Heaney 13-14). The author speaks of how his father is just like his grandfather, possibly even a better farmer than his father. "My grandfather cut more turf in a day than any other man on Toner's bog" (Heaney 17-18). The author recalls how his grandfather was so intently focused on the crop he uses the word "digging" to illustrate the constant work ethic that the author would of liked to be part of.
The last stanzas of the poem clearly speak of the authors feelings of inadequacies of not being strong enough to "dig" like his father and grandfather. Was it that he was just a boy or was he not strong enough for that type of work, he does not say. In lines 27-28 Heaney speaks of not being able to follow men like his father and grandfather. Again, it is not clear if this was do to age or strength, but the author wants the reader to know that he is strong with his pen and thinks of the pen as his spade "between my finger and my thumb the squat pen rests, I'll dig with it" (Heaney 29-31). This clearly speaks of the author stating his strength is through his writing. He uses his strength to document the commitment his family had to the farm, by this he is keeping the legacy of the "Digging" alive.
In conclusion, this poem speaks of a man's fond memories of himself as a boy who admired the strength and work ethic of his father and grandfather. The author subtly lets the reader know that he too is strong in his own way and will continue the "Digging" through his penmanship which will always be his spade and the writing he completes will be his harvest.
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Practice Exam #2 "Why We Crave Horror Movies" By Stephen King Argumentative Essay
Argumentative Essay
"Why We Crave Horror Movies"
By Stephen King
I really enjoyed reading the article "Why We Crave Horror Movies" that Stephen King wrote regarding the reasons he feels people view horror movies. Mr. King has several ideas on why we love our horror. This essay will provide my reasoning on the ever popular horror flicks popularity with the viewer. Horror movies are an escape from reality, a pure adrenaline rush, and a dose of mental health all in one.
Horror movies have been around forever and they are a terrific escape from reality. People have been watching horror flicks for decades and I feel they will be around for all of time. "It urges us to put away our more civilized and adult penchant for analysis and to become children again, seeing things in black and white." ( King, 32-34) Watching a horror movie can be simply exhilarating, sitting on the couch with a pillow in front of your face just waiting for the ax to drop, at that moment you forget about the daily hum-drum, the worries of the day and you are swept off into horror fantasy land.
While you are in fantasy land, your heart is pumping and you are plotting what you would do if you were being chased down, in some brilliant way you think you can defeat this monster "to show that we are not afraid, we can ride out this roller coaster." (King, 11-12). We seem to want to be scared, we prefer to watch in the dark, the creepier the better! It's the thrill of the rush that keeps horror movie enthusiasts going back for more blood and gore. In some strange way it makes the viewer feel good, in a emotionally charged twisted way.
When all is said and done and the show is over we don't realize it but our brain has just received a dose of mental health. "It may be that horror movies provide psychic relief because one can lapse into simplicity, irrationality and even outright madness." (King 34-37). A sane person watching a horror movie would know that this is just fictional, deviant behavior, being carried out on a screen. The viewer does not have thoughts to kill, however this makes you question, what if? Our emotions go from high to low while watching and our brain is releasing endorphins, they make us feel good and enhances our mood .This feeling is like a drug, we want more.
In conclusion, who doesn't want an escape from reality with an adrenaline rush, it could do wonders for your mental health while making you feel good and forgetting about the daily chores of life. The crave will never go away, we will continue to seek the thrill of the rush of horror movies!
"Why We Crave Horror Movies"
By Stephen King
I really enjoyed reading the article "Why We Crave Horror Movies" that Stephen King wrote regarding the reasons he feels people view horror movies. Mr. King has several ideas on why we love our horror. This essay will provide my reasoning on the ever popular horror flicks popularity with the viewer. Horror movies are an escape from reality, a pure adrenaline rush, and a dose of mental health all in one.
Horror movies have been around forever and they are a terrific escape from reality. People have been watching horror flicks for decades and I feel they will be around for all of time. "It urges us to put away our more civilized and adult penchant for analysis and to become children again, seeing things in black and white." ( King, 32-34) Watching a horror movie can be simply exhilarating, sitting on the couch with a pillow in front of your face just waiting for the ax to drop, at that moment you forget about the daily hum-drum, the worries of the day and you are swept off into horror fantasy land.
While you are in fantasy land, your heart is pumping and you are plotting what you would do if you were being chased down, in some brilliant way you think you can defeat this monster "to show that we are not afraid, we can ride out this roller coaster." (King, 11-12). We seem to want to be scared, we prefer to watch in the dark, the creepier the better! It's the thrill of the rush that keeps horror movie enthusiasts going back for more blood and gore. In some strange way it makes the viewer feel good, in a emotionally charged twisted way.
When all is said and done and the show is over we don't realize it but our brain has just received a dose of mental health. "It may be that horror movies provide psychic relief because one can lapse into simplicity, irrationality and even outright madness." (King 34-37). A sane person watching a horror movie would know that this is just fictional, deviant behavior, being carried out on a screen. The viewer does not have thoughts to kill, however this makes you question, what if? Our emotions go from high to low while watching and our brain is releasing endorphins, they make us feel good and enhances our mood .This feeling is like a drug, we want more.
In conclusion, who doesn't want an escape from reality with an adrenaline rush, it could do wonders for your mental health while making you feel good and forgetting about the daily chores of life. The crave will never go away, we will continue to seek the thrill of the rush of horror movies!
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Practice Exam Revision Strategy
Recently I have been asked to read and complete a revision strategy for a letter that a group of college undergraduates wrote. The college they attend is thinking of implementing a required community service tour of duty in order to graduate. There have been no final decisions or set amount of hours, however the service would be providing the local community with help. Upon reading this draft, I feel the student who wrote this, or if the group of students agreed upon this draft on a whole, should be required to partake in community service for the outstanding benefits that will contribute to strengthening their young minds.
Let's begin with an assessment of strengths: Conviction. Clearly, this draft illustrates you don't want community service. At this time, this is the only strength I can find with this draft. Through out the writing I have come across many punctuation, grammar, and essay formatting errors. A clear thesis statement is not present. The tone presented in the letter comes off at times as demanding and juvenile. The tone does not to seem to reflect a whole group, but just one angry writer. Furthermore, this piece of writing is not easy to read due to punctuation errors, poor grammar and redundant incomplete sentences.
The writer continually bashes community service and speaks of it almost as a plague, continued use of negative thoughts and feelings of what may be asked of the students. The writer has nothing good to say about themselves or the students as a whole. Choppy statements are made with no adequate information to back up the negative feeling towards community service. The form of writing the author is using is not a good approach at persuading faculty and staff to change their minds, in fact this letter may make them concerned that you indeed need a good dose of community service in order to graduate form their educational facility.
A more focused mature approach is needed in order to claim your case of why you do not want community service. A clear thesis statement is needed with detailed legitimate evidence to back up what you are presenting to the reader. I suggest you meet with your peers and give everyone a chance to write down how they are feeling and do a pros and cons list as well as research on the positive effects of community service. You may find that community service can be a very fulfilling life changing experience that you and you're fellow classmates can greatly benefit from. Continue to focus on the tone you use when writing, remember you can catch more flies with honey, having a negative demanding tone will not get you the results you want.
In conclusion, remember to proof read and use proper punctuation, grammar and complete sentences. This will assist you in getting your point across and will serve you greatly in the future if you ever feel the need to confront a situation by letter.
Let's begin with an assessment of strengths: Conviction. Clearly, this draft illustrates you don't want community service. At this time, this is the only strength I can find with this draft. Through out the writing I have come across many punctuation, grammar, and essay formatting errors. A clear thesis statement is not present. The tone presented in the letter comes off at times as demanding and juvenile. The tone does not to seem to reflect a whole group, but just one angry writer. Furthermore, this piece of writing is not easy to read due to punctuation errors, poor grammar and redundant incomplete sentences.
The writer continually bashes community service and speaks of it almost as a plague, continued use of negative thoughts and feelings of what may be asked of the students. The writer has nothing good to say about themselves or the students as a whole. Choppy statements are made with no adequate information to back up the negative feeling towards community service. The form of writing the author is using is not a good approach at persuading faculty and staff to change their minds, in fact this letter may make them concerned that you indeed need a good dose of community service in order to graduate form their educational facility.
A more focused mature approach is needed in order to claim your case of why you do not want community service. A clear thesis statement is needed with detailed legitimate evidence to back up what you are presenting to the reader. I suggest you meet with your peers and give everyone a chance to write down how they are feeling and do a pros and cons list as well as research on the positive effects of community service. You may find that community service can be a very fulfilling life changing experience that you and you're fellow classmates can greatly benefit from. Continue to focus on the tone you use when writing, remember you can catch more flies with honey, having a negative demanding tone will not get you the results you want.
In conclusion, remember to proof read and use proper punctuation, grammar and complete sentences. This will assist you in getting your point across and will serve you greatly in the future if you ever feel the need to confront a situation by letter.
Practice Exam Analysis and Respose
"Mus'ee des Beaux Arts" By W.H. Auden
Pre-writing:
1. Subject: death,dying, human tragedy and the harsh fact that life continues to move on.
2. Relationship between the poem and the art: the painting illustrates life going on on a street while a boy plunges into the ocean. Auden is writing this poem based on a painting "Landscape with the Fall of Icarus".
3. Stanza: the stanza flows through out the poem, sentences are short.
4. Diction: the poem is easy to read, punctuation makes the poem flow with ease. The author uses common words most readers can understand.
5. Imagery: I can see a clear picture in my mind of the young, old, animals, and surrounding scenery of this poem.
6. Tone: to me, the tone is very matter of fact, sad, but honest and truthful of life and society. Tone is even and does not change.
My response to this poem is that the author is speaking of tragedy, dying and death. Another very clear message is the hard truth that despite all this suffering, life will still go on. As a society we will continue to go about life's daily tasks. The writer makes me think about how as humans we are in some way complaisant to all the ill fate around us. From birth we are all dying, we are not invincible. Tragedy can linger at any age of life and the world will still go on, society will keep moving forward and work will be done.
There is no escaping the fact that death is inevitable. Every living being will experience suffering, death and tragedy. Clearly, we can see suffering everyday, but we keep moving to the beat of our busy lives inching closer to our own demise.
The author writes in line (3) "It's human position; how it takes place." I feel this is referring to death, when it will happen or how it will happen. Stanza (4) reads "While someone else is eating or opening a window or just walking dully along.", this sentence gives a clear picture of how people just keep moving along never knowing of the suffering or tragedy that has happened or that will happen. A chilling reference to this in the poem stanza (7) "Children who did not specially want it to happen, skating on a pond at the edge of the wood.''
We see suffering everyday it comes in various forms: loss of a loved one, a homeless person on the street, brutal crimes that are spoken and shown to us through the media. The author illustrates how we as a society reflect stanza (9) "They never forget." Stanza (14) and (15) gives a picture perfect reference to life just going on despite all the suffering we see in the world today,"Everything turns away quite leisurely from disaster."
Life keeps moving along no matter what happens to us or another, some may choose to look the other way as detailed in the poem stanza (15) the ploughman hears the splash and the boy's cry, but goes about his daily work routine and everyone else around him keeps moving along as well, as referenced in stanza (20) the ship kept sailing calmly by despite the boy falling into the sea. This can be true of many people who bare witness to suffering, death and tragedy. We all deal with death and dying differently.
In conclusion to the analysis and response to this poem we all will face death, tragedy and suffering at some point in our lives. We will all deal with it in many different ways, no two people share the same personal feelings or thoughts . Every being will react differently, death is an intimate personal journey. We are all dying, yet we are all living. Striving to get to the next chapter in life, busily going about our daily business.
Pre-writing:
1. Subject: death,dying, human tragedy and the harsh fact that life continues to move on.
2. Relationship between the poem and the art: the painting illustrates life going on on a street while a boy plunges into the ocean. Auden is writing this poem based on a painting "Landscape with the Fall of Icarus".
3. Stanza: the stanza flows through out the poem, sentences are short.
4. Diction: the poem is easy to read, punctuation makes the poem flow with ease. The author uses common words most readers can understand.
5. Imagery: I can see a clear picture in my mind of the young, old, animals, and surrounding scenery of this poem.
6. Tone: to me, the tone is very matter of fact, sad, but honest and truthful of life and society. Tone is even and does not change.
My response to this poem is that the author is speaking of tragedy, dying and death. Another very clear message is the hard truth that despite all this suffering, life will still go on. As a society we will continue to go about life's daily tasks. The writer makes me think about how as humans we are in some way complaisant to all the ill fate around us. From birth we are all dying, we are not invincible. Tragedy can linger at any age of life and the world will still go on, society will keep moving forward and work will be done.
There is no escaping the fact that death is inevitable. Every living being will experience suffering, death and tragedy. Clearly, we can see suffering everyday, but we keep moving to the beat of our busy lives inching closer to our own demise.
The author writes in line (3) "It's human position; how it takes place." I feel this is referring to death, when it will happen or how it will happen. Stanza (4) reads "While someone else is eating or opening a window or just walking dully along.", this sentence gives a clear picture of how people just keep moving along never knowing of the suffering or tragedy that has happened or that will happen. A chilling reference to this in the poem stanza (7) "Children who did not specially want it to happen, skating on a pond at the edge of the wood.''
We see suffering everyday it comes in various forms: loss of a loved one, a homeless person on the street, brutal crimes that are spoken and shown to us through the media. The author illustrates how we as a society reflect stanza (9) "They never forget." Stanza (14) and (15) gives a picture perfect reference to life just going on despite all the suffering we see in the world today,"Everything turns away quite leisurely from disaster."
Life keeps moving along no matter what happens to us or another, some may choose to look the other way as detailed in the poem stanza (15) the ploughman hears the splash and the boy's cry, but goes about his daily work routine and everyone else around him keeps moving along as well, as referenced in stanza (20) the ship kept sailing calmly by despite the boy falling into the sea. This can be true of many people who bare witness to suffering, death and tragedy. We all deal with death and dying differently.
In conclusion to the analysis and response to this poem we all will face death, tragedy and suffering at some point in our lives. We will all deal with it in many different ways, no two people share the same personal feelings or thoughts . Every being will react differently, death is an intimate personal journey. We are all dying, yet we are all living. Striving to get to the next chapter in life, busily going about our daily business.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Practice Exam Argumentation
"Students Who Push Burgers" By Walter S. Minot
This article was published in the Christian Science Monitor on November 22, 1998. To summarize the article, Mr. Minot was an English Professor with a strong conviction that American high school and college students are spending too much time working for luxuries instead of focusing on their school effort (25). Mr. Minot bases the article off of a conversation with a university student who is working 30 hours per week and has neglected to hand in an assignment (7). As a highly educated man with high regards to education, one can see why Mr. Minot would rather American students focus on their studies and score high on tests. A strong basis of this article comes from Mr. Minot's 1950's (19) focused mind set. Clearly, we no longer live in the sheltered life of the 50's where only one parent in the household worked and most wants and needs were met. Most high school and college students can benefit from working to build life skills, independence and time management.
Young adults need life skills to function properly in society today. Working provides a learning environment, teaches money management and social skills that will provide for more adequate communication skills. When the students are working, most of the time they are working to pay for a car (9), but in some cases the individual is working just to get by or to buy necessities. Being able to work for something, even if it is a material item will build confidence and a sense of achievement. It will also teach very important mathematical skills and financial budgeting.
Independence is crucial for the young adult population. Independence will build character and will help mold the individual into the person he or she will be. Choices are made and consequences come with them. Another important factor is learning responsibility. A job will certainly establish this character trait. There are deadlines to meet with school work as well as with a job. This makes for a well rounded individual who will be entering the work world that is full of deadlines and commitments. Students can combine studying habits with work, some students may not be able to keep up with studying after work (31), but I believe most will if they are dedicated and passionate about their schoolwork.
Most parents, myself being one of them, are convinced that their children learning the valuable lesson of earning money for what they need or want will benefit them in the long run. (27). The general home income these days is being stretched to the limit, if a high school student or college student is working, this is contributing. I believe most parents want their child or children to study hard and be the best student possible, but a parent also knows that their child is growing up and needs to learn life skills and valuable social experiences that are going to help guide them into adulthood. Not all students are alike, some will work full time and fail at school, while others with achieve success in both areas. American education will not decline if students work (37).
In conclusion to my argument against Mr. Minot's article, I feel that a student who works hard can learn life long skills needed to adapt to real life situations, be responsible, independent and gain critical thinking skills which can come from school and work. This balance will create character and confidence that is needed in today's world therefore, young adults who work and study can establish a positive step towards adulthood.
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