Revision strategy for an essay
This is a revision strategy for an essay a young man wrote. The essay prompt was to write an essay about something you are good at and what did this teach you about yourself.
Upon reading this essay I have learned that the author's name is Justin he is 18 and Asian. Justin's thesis statement is very loud and clear. Justin is very descriptive and good with keeping his paragraphs flowing. However, the thesis statement is not really telling us what he is good at, it rather speaks of his bad habits.
Global concerns through out the essay are the use of poor grammar, run on sentences that make no sense. The use of slang words and improper abbreviations such as, spending $$ on fashion(3). Also, the use of capital letters in the middle of sentences. While reading through the essay it also seems that you keep speaking of the same themes. I felt as if I was reading a brief biography on your teen life versus what you are good at. Another important concern is the lack of proper English, which may be due to not learning the English language very well.
The use of improper punctuation was also noted several times as well as listing items in the sentence in parenthesis. I am not sure who the reading audience will be for this essay, but it is not very positive. The tone of the essay is very immature and self centered basically about partying,the tone also seemed like you were just bragging. Most of the information in the essay speaks of you turning age 18 and beginning to drink and smoke (5). Also, in the essay you speak of your weakness "I easily get attracted to beautiful girls" (27). This essay was to discuss your strengths, not weaknesses.
In total review of this essay I would recommended that you rewrite the essay. Try to think of one thing you are good at to write about. Do not list your bad habits and spending money, most readers will not want to read about how you party all of the time. Continue to practice on your grammar, you can benefit from an English course. Do not use slang talk and abbreviations, this will confuse the reader and they will not understand the lingo you are using. You have the knack to be descriptive in your writing use that to your advantage.
lastly, when you are concluding your essay keep it short and to the point of your thesis. Your conclusion went on for several paragraphs and went into a whole different story about random strangers and you almost losing your life (47-48) these last paragraph's are totally off topic and really lose the reader. At the very end of your essay you wrote "Drink/party safely and responsibility" (60). Again, this has no reference to the thesis statement and just keeps focusing on partying. Remember what the essay prompt is really asking you to write about and that will help you stay focused on the thesis of your essay.
No comments:
Post a Comment