Recently I have been asked to read and complete a revision strategy for a letter that a group of college undergraduates wrote. The college they attend is thinking of implementing a required community service tour of duty in order to graduate. There have been no final decisions or set amount of hours, however the service would be providing the local community with help. Upon reading this draft, I feel the student who wrote this, or if the group of students agreed upon this draft on a whole, should be required to partake in community service for the outstanding benefits that will contribute to strengthening their young minds.
Let's begin with an assessment of strengths: Conviction. Clearly, this draft illustrates you don't want community service. At this time, this is the only strength I can find with this draft. Through out the writing I have come across many punctuation, grammar, and essay formatting errors. A clear thesis statement is not present. The tone presented in the letter comes off at times as demanding and juvenile. The tone does not to seem to reflect a whole group, but just one angry writer. Furthermore, this piece of writing is not easy to read due to punctuation errors, poor grammar and redundant incomplete sentences.
The writer continually bashes community service and speaks of it almost as a plague, continued use of negative thoughts and feelings of what may be asked of the students. The writer has nothing good to say about themselves or the students as a whole. Choppy statements are made with no adequate information to back up the negative feeling towards community service. The form of writing the author is using is not a good approach at persuading faculty and staff to change their minds, in fact this letter may make them concerned that you indeed need a good dose of community service in order to graduate form their educational facility.
A more focused mature approach is needed in order to claim your case of why you do not want community service. A clear thesis statement is needed with detailed legitimate evidence to back up what you are presenting to the reader. I suggest you meet with your peers and give everyone a chance to write down how they are feeling and do a pros and cons list as well as research on the positive effects of community service. You may find that community service can be a very fulfilling life changing experience that you and you're fellow classmates can greatly benefit from. Continue to focus on the tone you use when writing, remember you can catch more flies with honey, having a negative demanding tone will not get you the results you want.
In conclusion, remember to proof read and use proper punctuation, grammar and complete sentences. This will assist you in getting your point across and will serve you greatly in the future if you ever feel the need to confront a situation by letter.
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