Revision strategy for an essay
This is a revision strategy for an essay a young man wrote. The essay prompt was to write an essay about something you are good at and what did this teach you about yourself.
Upon reading this essay I have learned that the author's name is Justin he is 18 and Asian. Justin's thesis statement is very loud and clear. Justin is very descriptive and good with keeping his paragraphs flowing. However, the thesis statement is not really telling us what he is good at, it rather speaks of his bad habits.
Global concerns through out the essay are the use of poor grammar, run on sentences that make no sense. The use of slang words and improper abbreviations such as, spending $$ on fashion(3). Also, the use of capital letters in the middle of sentences. While reading through the essay it also seems that you keep speaking of the same themes. I felt as if I was reading a brief biography on your teen life versus what you are good at. Another important concern is the lack of proper English, which may be due to not learning the English language very well.
The use of improper punctuation was also noted several times as well as listing items in the sentence in parenthesis. I am not sure who the reading audience will be for this essay, but it is not very positive. The tone of the essay is very immature and self centered basically about partying,the tone also seemed like you were just bragging. Most of the information in the essay speaks of you turning age 18 and beginning to drink and smoke (5). Also, in the essay you speak of your weakness "I easily get attracted to beautiful girls" (27). This essay was to discuss your strengths, not weaknesses.
In total review of this essay I would recommended that you rewrite the essay. Try to think of one thing you are good at to write about. Do not list your bad habits and spending money, most readers will not want to read about how you party all of the time. Continue to practice on your grammar, you can benefit from an English course. Do not use slang talk and abbreviations, this will confuse the reader and they will not understand the lingo you are using. You have the knack to be descriptive in your writing use that to your advantage.
lastly, when you are concluding your essay keep it short and to the point of your thesis. Your conclusion went on for several paragraphs and went into a whole different story about random strangers and you almost losing your life (47-48) these last paragraph's are totally off topic and really lose the reader. At the very end of your essay you wrote "Drink/party safely and responsibility" (60). Again, this has no reference to the thesis statement and just keeps focusing on partying. Remember what the essay prompt is really asking you to write about and that will help you stay focused on the thesis of your essay.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Practice exam #2 Analysis and response/ Pre writing
"Digging"
By
Seamus Heaney
Analysis and Response Essay
Pre-writing
Subject: a young man speaking of his father and grandfather. The author illustrates how they both worked very hard on a potato farm using spades.
Relationships: while reading this poem I feel the writer is speaking of the men in past tense. Remembering their laboring skills to crop the potatoes. The writer also speaks of a time when he helped with the work. I sense the author is reflecting back to his childhood.
Stanza: flows clearly and is easy to read. The writer uses powerful adjectives to describe the actions taking place when the older men are working.
Tone: matter of fact, to the point. I feel the writer at times has guilt for not being involved or not a strong worker as his father and grandfather were.
Conflict: At the end of the poem the young man reflects again of his father and grandfather working hard with their hands. The author makes it clear that he too has strong hands now and will use them to pen down the admirable story of his loved ones who once worked so hard while he watched.
The poem "Digging" by Seamus Heaney is very deep. This poem can make the reader dig deep into their own mind to wonder what the author is trying to let the reader know. Upon reading the poem several times I have come to my own analysis. This poem illustrates childhood memories, an admiration for two strong men and the need for the author to proclaim his strength through writing.
Reading the first two lines of the poem the reader can understand that the pen is very important to the author, here is where the author finds his most strength and with his pen he begins the journey into his childhood memories. "Under my window, a clean rasping sound when the spade sinks into gravelly ground: My father digging. I look down" (Heaney 3-5). This stanza is illustrating the authors memory as a boy hearing his father digging in the dirt, he can clearly remember his father digging to crop potatoes. In lines 6-9 the author depicts how as a boy it seemed like his father was always digging, always doing the same rhythmic motion of the work.
I felt the author has much admiration for the strength of his father and grandfather. It seems to me like the author at the time was young and could not keep up the pace of the older men, still he tried to do the manly work as evidenced by, "to scatter new potatoes that we picked, loving their cool hardness in our hands" (Heaney 13-14). The author speaks of how his father is just like his grandfather, possibly even a better farmer than his father. "My grandfather cut more turf in a day than any other man on Toner's bog" (Heaney 17-18). The author recalls how his grandfather was so intently focused on the crop he uses the word "digging" to illustrate the constant work ethic that the author would of liked to be part of.
The last stanzas of the poem clearly speak of the authors feelings of inadequacies of not being strong enough to "dig" like his father and grandfather. Was it that he was just a boy or was he not strong enough for that type of work, he does not say. In lines 27-28 Heaney speaks of not being able to follow men like his father and grandfather. Again, it is not clear if this was do to age or strength, but the author wants the reader to know that he is strong with his pen and thinks of the pen as his spade "between my finger and my thumb the squat pen rests, I'll dig with it" (Heaney 29-31). This clearly speaks of the author stating his strength is through his writing. He uses his strength to document the commitment his family had to the farm, by this he is keeping the legacy of the "Digging" alive.
In conclusion, this poem speaks of a man's fond memories of himself as a boy who admired the strength and work ethic of his father and grandfather. The author subtly lets the reader know that he too is strong in his own way and will continue the "Digging" through his penmanship which will always be his spade and the writing he completes will be his harvest.
By
Seamus Heaney
Analysis and Response Essay
Pre-writing
Subject: a young man speaking of his father and grandfather. The author illustrates how they both worked very hard on a potato farm using spades.
Relationships: while reading this poem I feel the writer is speaking of the men in past tense. Remembering their laboring skills to crop the potatoes. The writer also speaks of a time when he helped with the work. I sense the author is reflecting back to his childhood.
Stanza: flows clearly and is easy to read. The writer uses powerful adjectives to describe the actions taking place when the older men are working.
Tone: matter of fact, to the point. I feel the writer at times has guilt for not being involved or not a strong worker as his father and grandfather were.
Conflict: At the end of the poem the young man reflects again of his father and grandfather working hard with their hands. The author makes it clear that he too has strong hands now and will use them to pen down the admirable story of his loved ones who once worked so hard while he watched.
The poem "Digging" by Seamus Heaney is very deep. This poem can make the reader dig deep into their own mind to wonder what the author is trying to let the reader know. Upon reading the poem several times I have come to my own analysis. This poem illustrates childhood memories, an admiration for two strong men and the need for the author to proclaim his strength through writing.
Reading the first two lines of the poem the reader can understand that the pen is very important to the author, here is where the author finds his most strength and with his pen he begins the journey into his childhood memories. "Under my window, a clean rasping sound when the spade sinks into gravelly ground: My father digging. I look down" (Heaney 3-5). This stanza is illustrating the authors memory as a boy hearing his father digging in the dirt, he can clearly remember his father digging to crop potatoes. In lines 6-9 the author depicts how as a boy it seemed like his father was always digging, always doing the same rhythmic motion of the work.
I felt the author has much admiration for the strength of his father and grandfather. It seems to me like the author at the time was young and could not keep up the pace of the older men, still he tried to do the manly work as evidenced by, "to scatter new potatoes that we picked, loving their cool hardness in our hands" (Heaney 13-14). The author speaks of how his father is just like his grandfather, possibly even a better farmer than his father. "My grandfather cut more turf in a day than any other man on Toner's bog" (Heaney 17-18). The author recalls how his grandfather was so intently focused on the crop he uses the word "digging" to illustrate the constant work ethic that the author would of liked to be part of.
The last stanzas of the poem clearly speak of the authors feelings of inadequacies of not being strong enough to "dig" like his father and grandfather. Was it that he was just a boy or was he not strong enough for that type of work, he does not say. In lines 27-28 Heaney speaks of not being able to follow men like his father and grandfather. Again, it is not clear if this was do to age or strength, but the author wants the reader to know that he is strong with his pen and thinks of the pen as his spade "between my finger and my thumb the squat pen rests, I'll dig with it" (Heaney 29-31). This clearly speaks of the author stating his strength is through his writing. He uses his strength to document the commitment his family had to the farm, by this he is keeping the legacy of the "Digging" alive.
In conclusion, this poem speaks of a man's fond memories of himself as a boy who admired the strength and work ethic of his father and grandfather. The author subtly lets the reader know that he too is strong in his own way and will continue the "Digging" through his penmanship which will always be his spade and the writing he completes will be his harvest.
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Practice Exam #2 "Why We Crave Horror Movies" By Stephen King Argumentative Essay
Argumentative Essay
"Why We Crave Horror Movies"
By Stephen King
I really enjoyed reading the article "Why We Crave Horror Movies" that Stephen King wrote regarding the reasons he feels people view horror movies. Mr. King has several ideas on why we love our horror. This essay will provide my reasoning on the ever popular horror flicks popularity with the viewer. Horror movies are an escape from reality, a pure adrenaline rush, and a dose of mental health all in one.
Horror movies have been around forever and they are a terrific escape from reality. People have been watching horror flicks for decades and I feel they will be around for all of time. "It urges us to put away our more civilized and adult penchant for analysis and to become children again, seeing things in black and white." ( King, 32-34) Watching a horror movie can be simply exhilarating, sitting on the couch with a pillow in front of your face just waiting for the ax to drop, at that moment you forget about the daily hum-drum, the worries of the day and you are swept off into horror fantasy land.
While you are in fantasy land, your heart is pumping and you are plotting what you would do if you were being chased down, in some brilliant way you think you can defeat this monster "to show that we are not afraid, we can ride out this roller coaster." (King, 11-12). We seem to want to be scared, we prefer to watch in the dark, the creepier the better! It's the thrill of the rush that keeps horror movie enthusiasts going back for more blood and gore. In some strange way it makes the viewer feel good, in a emotionally charged twisted way.
When all is said and done and the show is over we don't realize it but our brain has just received a dose of mental health. "It may be that horror movies provide psychic relief because one can lapse into simplicity, irrationality and even outright madness." (King 34-37). A sane person watching a horror movie would know that this is just fictional, deviant behavior, being carried out on a screen. The viewer does not have thoughts to kill, however this makes you question, what if? Our emotions go from high to low while watching and our brain is releasing endorphins, they make us feel good and enhances our mood .This feeling is like a drug, we want more.
In conclusion, who doesn't want an escape from reality with an adrenaline rush, it could do wonders for your mental health while making you feel good and forgetting about the daily chores of life. The crave will never go away, we will continue to seek the thrill of the rush of horror movies!
"Why We Crave Horror Movies"
By Stephen King
I really enjoyed reading the article "Why We Crave Horror Movies" that Stephen King wrote regarding the reasons he feels people view horror movies. Mr. King has several ideas on why we love our horror. This essay will provide my reasoning on the ever popular horror flicks popularity with the viewer. Horror movies are an escape from reality, a pure adrenaline rush, and a dose of mental health all in one.
Horror movies have been around forever and they are a terrific escape from reality. People have been watching horror flicks for decades and I feel they will be around for all of time. "It urges us to put away our more civilized and adult penchant for analysis and to become children again, seeing things in black and white." ( King, 32-34) Watching a horror movie can be simply exhilarating, sitting on the couch with a pillow in front of your face just waiting for the ax to drop, at that moment you forget about the daily hum-drum, the worries of the day and you are swept off into horror fantasy land.
While you are in fantasy land, your heart is pumping and you are plotting what you would do if you were being chased down, in some brilliant way you think you can defeat this monster "to show that we are not afraid, we can ride out this roller coaster." (King, 11-12). We seem to want to be scared, we prefer to watch in the dark, the creepier the better! It's the thrill of the rush that keeps horror movie enthusiasts going back for more blood and gore. In some strange way it makes the viewer feel good, in a emotionally charged twisted way.
When all is said and done and the show is over we don't realize it but our brain has just received a dose of mental health. "It may be that horror movies provide psychic relief because one can lapse into simplicity, irrationality and even outright madness." (King 34-37). A sane person watching a horror movie would know that this is just fictional, deviant behavior, being carried out on a screen. The viewer does not have thoughts to kill, however this makes you question, what if? Our emotions go from high to low while watching and our brain is releasing endorphins, they make us feel good and enhances our mood .This feeling is like a drug, we want more.
In conclusion, who doesn't want an escape from reality with an adrenaline rush, it could do wonders for your mental health while making you feel good and forgetting about the daily chores of life. The crave will never go away, we will continue to seek the thrill of the rush of horror movies!
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Practice Exam Revision Strategy
Recently I have been asked to read and complete a revision strategy for a letter that a group of college undergraduates wrote. The college they attend is thinking of implementing a required community service tour of duty in order to graduate. There have been no final decisions or set amount of hours, however the service would be providing the local community with help. Upon reading this draft, I feel the student who wrote this, or if the group of students agreed upon this draft on a whole, should be required to partake in community service for the outstanding benefits that will contribute to strengthening their young minds.
Let's begin with an assessment of strengths: Conviction. Clearly, this draft illustrates you don't want community service. At this time, this is the only strength I can find with this draft. Through out the writing I have come across many punctuation, grammar, and essay formatting errors. A clear thesis statement is not present. The tone presented in the letter comes off at times as demanding and juvenile. The tone does not to seem to reflect a whole group, but just one angry writer. Furthermore, this piece of writing is not easy to read due to punctuation errors, poor grammar and redundant incomplete sentences.
The writer continually bashes community service and speaks of it almost as a plague, continued use of negative thoughts and feelings of what may be asked of the students. The writer has nothing good to say about themselves or the students as a whole. Choppy statements are made with no adequate information to back up the negative feeling towards community service. The form of writing the author is using is not a good approach at persuading faculty and staff to change their minds, in fact this letter may make them concerned that you indeed need a good dose of community service in order to graduate form their educational facility.
A more focused mature approach is needed in order to claim your case of why you do not want community service. A clear thesis statement is needed with detailed legitimate evidence to back up what you are presenting to the reader. I suggest you meet with your peers and give everyone a chance to write down how they are feeling and do a pros and cons list as well as research on the positive effects of community service. You may find that community service can be a very fulfilling life changing experience that you and you're fellow classmates can greatly benefit from. Continue to focus on the tone you use when writing, remember you can catch more flies with honey, having a negative demanding tone will not get you the results you want.
In conclusion, remember to proof read and use proper punctuation, grammar and complete sentences. This will assist you in getting your point across and will serve you greatly in the future if you ever feel the need to confront a situation by letter.
Let's begin with an assessment of strengths: Conviction. Clearly, this draft illustrates you don't want community service. At this time, this is the only strength I can find with this draft. Through out the writing I have come across many punctuation, grammar, and essay formatting errors. A clear thesis statement is not present. The tone presented in the letter comes off at times as demanding and juvenile. The tone does not to seem to reflect a whole group, but just one angry writer. Furthermore, this piece of writing is not easy to read due to punctuation errors, poor grammar and redundant incomplete sentences.
The writer continually bashes community service and speaks of it almost as a plague, continued use of negative thoughts and feelings of what may be asked of the students. The writer has nothing good to say about themselves or the students as a whole. Choppy statements are made with no adequate information to back up the negative feeling towards community service. The form of writing the author is using is not a good approach at persuading faculty and staff to change their minds, in fact this letter may make them concerned that you indeed need a good dose of community service in order to graduate form their educational facility.
A more focused mature approach is needed in order to claim your case of why you do not want community service. A clear thesis statement is needed with detailed legitimate evidence to back up what you are presenting to the reader. I suggest you meet with your peers and give everyone a chance to write down how they are feeling and do a pros and cons list as well as research on the positive effects of community service. You may find that community service can be a very fulfilling life changing experience that you and you're fellow classmates can greatly benefit from. Continue to focus on the tone you use when writing, remember you can catch more flies with honey, having a negative demanding tone will not get you the results you want.
In conclusion, remember to proof read and use proper punctuation, grammar and complete sentences. This will assist you in getting your point across and will serve you greatly in the future if you ever feel the need to confront a situation by letter.
Practice Exam Analysis and Respose
"Mus'ee des Beaux Arts" By W.H. Auden
Pre-writing:
1. Subject: death,dying, human tragedy and the harsh fact that life continues to move on.
2. Relationship between the poem and the art: the painting illustrates life going on on a street while a boy plunges into the ocean. Auden is writing this poem based on a painting "Landscape with the Fall of Icarus".
3. Stanza: the stanza flows through out the poem, sentences are short.
4. Diction: the poem is easy to read, punctuation makes the poem flow with ease. The author uses common words most readers can understand.
5. Imagery: I can see a clear picture in my mind of the young, old, animals, and surrounding scenery of this poem.
6. Tone: to me, the tone is very matter of fact, sad, but honest and truthful of life and society. Tone is even and does not change.
My response to this poem is that the author is speaking of tragedy, dying and death. Another very clear message is the hard truth that despite all this suffering, life will still go on. As a society we will continue to go about life's daily tasks. The writer makes me think about how as humans we are in some way complaisant to all the ill fate around us. From birth we are all dying, we are not invincible. Tragedy can linger at any age of life and the world will still go on, society will keep moving forward and work will be done.
There is no escaping the fact that death is inevitable. Every living being will experience suffering, death and tragedy. Clearly, we can see suffering everyday, but we keep moving to the beat of our busy lives inching closer to our own demise.
The author writes in line (3) "It's human position; how it takes place." I feel this is referring to death, when it will happen or how it will happen. Stanza (4) reads "While someone else is eating or opening a window or just walking dully along.", this sentence gives a clear picture of how people just keep moving along never knowing of the suffering or tragedy that has happened or that will happen. A chilling reference to this in the poem stanza (7) "Children who did not specially want it to happen, skating on a pond at the edge of the wood.''
We see suffering everyday it comes in various forms: loss of a loved one, a homeless person on the street, brutal crimes that are spoken and shown to us through the media. The author illustrates how we as a society reflect stanza (9) "They never forget." Stanza (14) and (15) gives a picture perfect reference to life just going on despite all the suffering we see in the world today,"Everything turns away quite leisurely from disaster."
Life keeps moving along no matter what happens to us or another, some may choose to look the other way as detailed in the poem stanza (15) the ploughman hears the splash and the boy's cry, but goes about his daily work routine and everyone else around him keeps moving along as well, as referenced in stanza (20) the ship kept sailing calmly by despite the boy falling into the sea. This can be true of many people who bare witness to suffering, death and tragedy. We all deal with death and dying differently.
In conclusion to the analysis and response to this poem we all will face death, tragedy and suffering at some point in our lives. We will all deal with it in many different ways, no two people share the same personal feelings or thoughts . Every being will react differently, death is an intimate personal journey. We are all dying, yet we are all living. Striving to get to the next chapter in life, busily going about our daily business.
Pre-writing:
1. Subject: death,dying, human tragedy and the harsh fact that life continues to move on.
2. Relationship between the poem and the art: the painting illustrates life going on on a street while a boy plunges into the ocean. Auden is writing this poem based on a painting "Landscape with the Fall of Icarus".
3. Stanza: the stanza flows through out the poem, sentences are short.
4. Diction: the poem is easy to read, punctuation makes the poem flow with ease. The author uses common words most readers can understand.
5. Imagery: I can see a clear picture in my mind of the young, old, animals, and surrounding scenery of this poem.
6. Tone: to me, the tone is very matter of fact, sad, but honest and truthful of life and society. Tone is even and does not change.
My response to this poem is that the author is speaking of tragedy, dying and death. Another very clear message is the hard truth that despite all this suffering, life will still go on. As a society we will continue to go about life's daily tasks. The writer makes me think about how as humans we are in some way complaisant to all the ill fate around us. From birth we are all dying, we are not invincible. Tragedy can linger at any age of life and the world will still go on, society will keep moving forward and work will be done.
There is no escaping the fact that death is inevitable. Every living being will experience suffering, death and tragedy. Clearly, we can see suffering everyday, but we keep moving to the beat of our busy lives inching closer to our own demise.
The author writes in line (3) "It's human position; how it takes place." I feel this is referring to death, when it will happen or how it will happen. Stanza (4) reads "While someone else is eating or opening a window or just walking dully along.", this sentence gives a clear picture of how people just keep moving along never knowing of the suffering or tragedy that has happened or that will happen. A chilling reference to this in the poem stanza (7) "Children who did not specially want it to happen, skating on a pond at the edge of the wood.''
We see suffering everyday it comes in various forms: loss of a loved one, a homeless person on the street, brutal crimes that are spoken and shown to us through the media. The author illustrates how we as a society reflect stanza (9) "They never forget." Stanza (14) and (15) gives a picture perfect reference to life just going on despite all the suffering we see in the world today,"Everything turns away quite leisurely from disaster."
Life keeps moving along no matter what happens to us or another, some may choose to look the other way as detailed in the poem stanza (15) the ploughman hears the splash and the boy's cry, but goes about his daily work routine and everyone else around him keeps moving along as well, as referenced in stanza (20) the ship kept sailing calmly by despite the boy falling into the sea. This can be true of many people who bare witness to suffering, death and tragedy. We all deal with death and dying differently.
In conclusion to the analysis and response to this poem we all will face death, tragedy and suffering at some point in our lives. We will all deal with it in many different ways, no two people share the same personal feelings or thoughts . Every being will react differently, death is an intimate personal journey. We are all dying, yet we are all living. Striving to get to the next chapter in life, busily going about our daily business.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Practice Exam Argumentation
"Students Who Push Burgers" By Walter S. Minot
This article was published in the Christian Science Monitor on November 22, 1998. To summarize the article, Mr. Minot was an English Professor with a strong conviction that American high school and college students are spending too much time working for luxuries instead of focusing on their school effort (25). Mr. Minot bases the article off of a conversation with a university student who is working 30 hours per week and has neglected to hand in an assignment (7). As a highly educated man with high regards to education, one can see why Mr. Minot would rather American students focus on their studies and score high on tests. A strong basis of this article comes from Mr. Minot's 1950's (19) focused mind set. Clearly, we no longer live in the sheltered life of the 50's where only one parent in the household worked and most wants and needs were met. Most high school and college students can benefit from working to build life skills, independence and time management.
Young adults need life skills to function properly in society today. Working provides a learning environment, teaches money management and social skills that will provide for more adequate communication skills. When the students are working, most of the time they are working to pay for a car (9), but in some cases the individual is working just to get by or to buy necessities. Being able to work for something, even if it is a material item will build confidence and a sense of achievement. It will also teach very important mathematical skills and financial budgeting.
Independence is crucial for the young adult population. Independence will build character and will help mold the individual into the person he or she will be. Choices are made and consequences come with them. Another important factor is learning responsibility. A job will certainly establish this character trait. There are deadlines to meet with school work as well as with a job. This makes for a well rounded individual who will be entering the work world that is full of deadlines and commitments. Students can combine studying habits with work, some students may not be able to keep up with studying after work (31), but I believe most will if they are dedicated and passionate about their schoolwork.
Most parents, myself being one of them, are convinced that their children learning the valuable lesson of earning money for what they need or want will benefit them in the long run. (27). The general home income these days is being stretched to the limit, if a high school student or college student is working, this is contributing. I believe most parents want their child or children to study hard and be the best student possible, but a parent also knows that their child is growing up and needs to learn life skills and valuable social experiences that are going to help guide them into adulthood. Not all students are alike, some will work full time and fail at school, while others with achieve success in both areas. American education will not decline if students work (37).
In conclusion to my argument against Mr. Minot's article, I feel that a student who works hard can learn life long skills needed to adapt to real life situations, be responsible, independent and gain critical thinking skills which can come from school and work. This balance will create character and confidence that is needed in today's world therefore, young adults who work and study can establish a positive step towards adulthood.
Monday, August 25, 2014
Critique of a critique "In Just"
Critique Essay of critique of "In Just"
Upon reading this essay critique I do note the essay is in five paragraph form. The writers tone is formal and easy to read. I am uncertain what the essay topic is about, I only know the title "In Just". Also, I don't see any thesis statement in this critique. There are no clear steps to follow that allows me to make sense of what I may be reading about. This essay may be easy to read, but not clear.
Through out the essay I notice a theme of constantly bringing up the thesis statement to the writer, that there is lack of a thesis, it is not strong. This is a global concern, however you don't give the writer any suggestions or examples of an appropriate thesis statement for this essay. Thesis seems to be the main focus of this essay critique, yet nothing concrete is addressed for the writer to refer back to.
The writer may get lost in the wordiness of the critique, as evidenced by the second and third paragraph are lengthy with redundant information. This is going to confuse the reader, I know it confused me! Again, more examples could be given for the global concern of the thesis statement, because with out the thesis statement there really is no essay.
Local strengths of this critique are strong. Consistent grammar ,diction and mechanics are used. There are some run on sentences in the third and fourth paragraphs, but over all it is nicely written. Repetition is also repeated at length with regards to a thesis statement. More effective critique would to give the writer more examples of what her thesis statement could look like, visual examples would help the write for future reference.
In conclusion, I feel this critique does let the writer know of her global concern needs to be focused on the thesis statement, but I am still left wondering what the essay was about and what was the initial thesis statement of the writer's essay to begin with. I am left with the impression that the writer who critiqued the original essay is knowledgeable, but just did not get the point across to the writer of the essay.
Upon reading this essay critique I do note the essay is in five paragraph form. The writers tone is formal and easy to read. I am uncertain what the essay topic is about, I only know the title "In Just". Also, I don't see any thesis statement in this critique. There are no clear steps to follow that allows me to make sense of what I may be reading about. This essay may be easy to read, but not clear.
Through out the essay I notice a theme of constantly bringing up the thesis statement to the writer, that there is lack of a thesis, it is not strong. This is a global concern, however you don't give the writer any suggestions or examples of an appropriate thesis statement for this essay. Thesis seems to be the main focus of this essay critique, yet nothing concrete is addressed for the writer to refer back to.
The writer may get lost in the wordiness of the critique, as evidenced by the second and third paragraph are lengthy with redundant information. This is going to confuse the reader, I know it confused me! Again, more examples could be given for the global concern of the thesis statement, because with out the thesis statement there really is no essay.
Local strengths of this critique are strong. Consistent grammar ,diction and mechanics are used. There are some run on sentences in the third and fourth paragraphs, but over all it is nicely written. Repetition is also repeated at length with regards to a thesis statement. More effective critique would to give the writer more examples of what her thesis statement could look like, visual examples would help the write for future reference.
In conclusion, I feel this critique does let the writer know of her global concern needs to be focused on the thesis statement, but I am still left wondering what the essay was about and what was the initial thesis statement of the writer's essay to begin with. I am left with the impression that the writer who critiqued the original essay is knowledgeable, but just did not get the point across to the writer of the essay.
Revision Strategy Essay for Poem "Immigrants" by Pat Mora
Revision Strategy Essay
"Immigrants"
By Pat Mora
I have recently read the essay "Immigrants" by Pat Mora. My understanding of this essay is, immigrant parents want their young children to be raised with Americans culture, traditions while hiding ones true heritage from society. I feel the writers introduction and thesis is clear and to the point, I am able to read through the essay with ease. While reading this essay, I felt sad for the immigrant parents who felt ashamed of their heritage. The writers tone illustrated a picture in my mind that made me able to visualize the characters.
American culture was made evident by "wrap their babies in the American Flag" (Mora 1) as well as giving the children American names "name them Bill and Daisy" ( Mora 3) Again, this evidence is in clear, meaningful steps. The essay flows with organization and comes directly from the thesis statement. Global concerns are minimal, however, I do encourage the writer to use more rhetorical wording and more emphasis on words where needed.
Traditions are made vivid by the children playing with tangible items, American toys . "blonde dolls that blink blue eyes" (Mora 4-5) "football and tiny cleats for baby before he can even walk" This is a great example of drilling something into ones mind before he or she can make their own choice of do they even like dolls or football? The parents don't think of that, the toys are American, therefore, the children will play with them. More traditions are discussed, "eat apple pie and hot dogs" (Mora 6-7)
Again, I can read this essay with ease and get a true understanding of the parents desire to raise their children to be Americans. The parents will hide their true heritage. "whisper in Spanish and Polish when babies sleep" (Mora 9-10) The parents have true fear that the children will not be liked if their true identity is exposed . Citation is well done and presents evidence of the parents concerns and sacrifices.
In conclusion, this essay clearly illustrates immigrant parents desire to raise their babies as Americans. The immigrants desire to cloak their own heritage with Americanized traditions and cultures in hopes their children will be accepted by society. In final thoughts I feel the local concerns for this essay are minimal. MLA was followed, mechanics and grammar with minimal errors and diction was legible. I enjoyed reading this essay and could vividly see illustrations through the writers tone.
"Immigrants"
By Pat Mora
I have recently read the essay "Immigrants" by Pat Mora. My understanding of this essay is, immigrant parents want their young children to be raised with Americans culture, traditions while hiding ones true heritage from society. I feel the writers introduction and thesis is clear and to the point, I am able to read through the essay with ease. While reading this essay, I felt sad for the immigrant parents who felt ashamed of their heritage. The writers tone illustrated a picture in my mind that made me able to visualize the characters.
American culture was made evident by "wrap their babies in the American Flag" (Mora 1) as well as giving the children American names "name them Bill and Daisy" ( Mora 3) Again, this evidence is in clear, meaningful steps. The essay flows with organization and comes directly from the thesis statement. Global concerns are minimal, however, I do encourage the writer to use more rhetorical wording and more emphasis on words where needed.
Traditions are made vivid by the children playing with tangible items, American toys . "blonde dolls that blink blue eyes" (Mora 4-5) "football and tiny cleats for baby before he can even walk" This is a great example of drilling something into ones mind before he or she can make their own choice of do they even like dolls or football? The parents don't think of that, the toys are American, therefore, the children will play with them. More traditions are discussed, "eat apple pie and hot dogs" (Mora 6-7)
Again, I can read this essay with ease and get a true understanding of the parents desire to raise their children to be Americans. The parents will hide their true heritage. "whisper in Spanish and Polish when babies sleep" (Mora 9-10) The parents have true fear that the children will not be liked if their true identity is exposed . Citation is well done and presents evidence of the parents concerns and sacrifices.
In conclusion, this essay clearly illustrates immigrant parents desire to raise their babies as Americans. The immigrants desire to cloak their own heritage with Americanized traditions and cultures in hopes their children will be accepted by society. In final thoughts I feel the local concerns for this essay are minimal. MLA was followed, mechanics and grammar with minimal errors and diction was legible. I enjoyed reading this essay and could vividly see illustrations through the writers tone.
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Poem Essay "Immigrants" by Pat Mora
"Immigrants" by Pat Mora
I have recently read the poem "Immigrants" by Pat Mora. In the poem "Immigrants", Mora depicts a graphic tale of how immigrant parents wanted so badly for their children to fit in to the American culture. The parents cloak their family in the American pop culture traditions so they can keep their true heritage identities incognito.
Mora illustrates the parents' desire for the children to be Americans right from the beginning. The very first example to prove the parents desire' is"wrap their babies in the American Flag" ( Mora 1). Another piece of evidence is that the parents give the children all American names," name them Bill and Daisy" (Mora 3). The children are also given traditional American toys to play with "blonde dolls that blink blue eyes" (Mora 4-5) and "football and tiny cleats before baby can even walk" (Mora 5-6).
While reading the poem, I felt the parents sense of fear and guilt of their heritage and culture. The parents whisper quietly in their native tongue "whisper in Spanish and Polish when babies sleep" (Mora 9-10). The parents go even farther with "Americanizing" the children by feeding them foods that they may not even like as babies, "mashed hot dogs and apple pie" ( Mora 2) as to thoroughly keep any of their own true culture away from their babies mouths.
The parents in the poem are fearful that society will not accept their children. Why would they be so afraid of raising their children naturally with their own culture and heritage? Was Mora reflecting on stories told to her by immigrants, or was she a product of this poem? Her heritage hidden in the dark from her. Mora(12-13)" Will they like our boy, our girl?" (Mora 13-14) "Our fine American boy, our fine American girl?" This poem made me think about how I would feel moving to a new country with a baby. How would I feel? Would I raise my child in the culture I was surrounded by? Would I be afraid to speak my native English. This must have been very difficult for immigrants. Coming to America, wanting to be American and what they are willing to sacrifice, what are they willing to do to fit in?
In conclusion, this poem reflects the authors view of how some immigrant parents raised their children to be embraced as true Americans and to shun their true heritage identities, to hide them in the dark out of fear of not being accepted.
I have recently read the poem "Immigrants" by Pat Mora. In the poem "Immigrants", Mora depicts a graphic tale of how immigrant parents wanted so badly for their children to fit in to the American culture. The parents cloak their family in the American pop culture traditions so they can keep their true heritage identities incognito.
Mora illustrates the parents' desire for the children to be Americans right from the beginning. The very first example to prove the parents desire' is"wrap their babies in the American Flag" ( Mora 1). Another piece of evidence is that the parents give the children all American names," name them Bill and Daisy" (Mora 3). The children are also given traditional American toys to play with "blonde dolls that blink blue eyes" (Mora 4-5) and "football and tiny cleats before baby can even walk" (Mora 5-6).
While reading the poem, I felt the parents sense of fear and guilt of their heritage and culture. The parents whisper quietly in their native tongue "whisper in Spanish and Polish when babies sleep" (Mora 9-10). The parents go even farther with "Americanizing" the children by feeding them foods that they may not even like as babies, "mashed hot dogs and apple pie" ( Mora 2) as to thoroughly keep any of their own true culture away from their babies mouths.
The parents in the poem are fearful that society will not accept their children. Why would they be so afraid of raising their children naturally with their own culture and heritage? Was Mora reflecting on stories told to her by immigrants, or was she a product of this poem? Her heritage hidden in the dark from her. Mora(12-13)" Will they like our boy, our girl?" (Mora 13-14) "Our fine American boy, our fine American girl?" This poem made me think about how I would feel moving to a new country with a baby. How would I feel? Would I raise my child in the culture I was surrounded by? Would I be afraid to speak my native English. This must have been very difficult for immigrants. Coming to America, wanting to be American and what they are willing to sacrifice, what are they willing to do to fit in?
In conclusion, this poem reflects the authors view of how some immigrant parents raised their children to be embraced as true Americans and to shun their true heritage identities, to hide them in the dark out of fear of not being accepted.
Monday, August 4, 2014
Week #2 Poem Interpretation
Gwendolyn Brooks
"We Real Cool"
I found this poem to be simple to understand and clear to the point .My interpretation of this poem is the writer is speaking of herself as a youth and her rowdy friends. She is writing of good times when youth think they are invincible and the chances they took to party. She also speaks of tragedy, death. I feel she is speaking of a friend(s) dying due to poor choices that were made by all of them as a group. She speaks of skipping school, drinking gin, playing pool and living to be on the edge.
Young adults do think they are "cool" most make poor choices and don't realize the consequences could be life altering. I feel she is writing this reflecting on her youth and how she and her friend thought they were on top of the world, living on the edge until tragedy made them all grow up. I can relate to this poem, I was once a teen who thought only of myself and having a good time with friends. I think most adults could relate to this poem and possibly reflect on personal teen age memories.
"We Real Cool"
I found this poem to be simple to understand and clear to the point .My interpretation of this poem is the writer is speaking of herself as a youth and her rowdy friends. She is writing of good times when youth think they are invincible and the chances they took to party. She also speaks of tragedy, death. I feel she is speaking of a friend(s) dying due to poor choices that were made by all of them as a group. She speaks of skipping school, drinking gin, playing pool and living to be on the edge.
Young adults do think they are "cool" most make poor choices and don't realize the consequences could be life altering. I feel she is writing this reflecting on her youth and how she and her friend thought they were on top of the world, living on the edge until tragedy made them all grow up. I can relate to this poem, I was once a teen who thought only of myself and having a good time with friends. I think most adults could relate to this poem and possibly reflect on personal teen age memories.
Week #2 Poem Interpretation
Allen Ginsberg
"In a Supermarket in California."
I read this poem several times. My interpretation of this piece of writing is that the author is speaking of a dream he has recently had. In his dream he is at a very busy supermarket with all kinds of food and people busily shopping. He is not alone, he is shopping with the author Walt Whitman.. The author also spots another author in the store, Garcia Lorca.
I feel this poem is the writings of a mans very vivid dream that he has had after reading several writings by both of these authors. He wonders where he will be next with Walt Whitman, where will the journey take them next time he may dream of them. The poet his sharing details of his own personal dreams, I also get the sense that he fantasizes about these two male authors and wonders what it would be like to be with them. This poem made sense to me and I feel it had intent, a man writing about his dreams and the love for poetry.
"In a Supermarket in California."
I read this poem several times. My interpretation of this piece of writing is that the author is speaking of a dream he has recently had. In his dream he is at a very busy supermarket with all kinds of food and people busily shopping. He is not alone, he is shopping with the author Walt Whitman.. The author also spots another author in the store, Garcia Lorca.
I feel this poem is the writings of a mans very vivid dream that he has had after reading several writings by both of these authors. He wonders where he will be next with Walt Whitman, where will the journey take them next time he may dream of them. The poet his sharing details of his own personal dreams, I also get the sense that he fantasizes about these two male authors and wonders what it would be like to be with them. This poem made sense to me and I feel it had intent, a man writing about his dreams and the love for poetry.
Week 2, Poem interpretation.
Emily Dickinson
"The Soul selects her own Society."
I really enjoyed this poem. I analyzed the words of the poem, to me it was clear she was speaking of her sexuality. It is possible she is speaking of her choice to be true to her inner soul, who she really is, a lesbian. I focused on several words and based my interpretation from them. When she speaks of shutting the door to the majority, I view that as the majority being heterosexuals. She also writes she is not swayed by rich and powerful suitors that approach her for affection. She knows she could have who ever she chooses by stating, "ample pick", but she has made her choice. She has made her "devotion" to the "society", which I feel is speaking of being gay, being it's own society, due to the historical time.(1917)
In the end she closes the "valve" I believe this is her heart, she closes it off only for her true love, a woman. She states her conviction of her love by writing "set in stone." I found this poem to be very touching. Some will never know who they truly are, it takes people years and different paths to truly discover who they are and who they will be. I may be way off in this interpretation, but I do know she is writing from her heart. The writer's words are strong and to the point.
"The Soul selects her own Society."
I really enjoyed this poem. I analyzed the words of the poem, to me it was clear she was speaking of her sexuality. It is possible she is speaking of her choice to be true to her inner soul, who she really is, a lesbian. I focused on several words and based my interpretation from them. When she speaks of shutting the door to the majority, I view that as the majority being heterosexuals. She also writes she is not swayed by rich and powerful suitors that approach her for affection. She knows she could have who ever she chooses by stating, "ample pick", but she has made her choice. She has made her "devotion" to the "society", which I feel is speaking of being gay, being it's own society, due to the historical time.(1917)
In the end she closes the "valve" I believe this is her heart, she closes it off only for her true love, a woman. She states her conviction of her love by writing "set in stone." I found this poem to be very touching. Some will never know who they truly are, it takes people years and different paths to truly discover who they are and who they will be. I may be way off in this interpretation, but I do know she is writing from her heart. The writer's words are strong and to the point.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
response #1 week #1 "Musee des Beaux Arts."
"Musee des Beaux Arts" By W.H. Aduen
My response to poem. I felt this poem spoke of death and dying and how the world and life just keep going on despite all the daily tragedies. I was confused through out the poem. I did some investigating to try to make more sense of the poem. Through the internet I learned that W.H Aduen viewed the painting Brueghel, in Brussels 1938. I learned that Icarus was a Greek mythological figure. Icarus and his father Daedalus were held captive by the King of Crete. Daedalus made wings for his son to escape and gave him specific instructions. Do not fly to high to the sun or to low to the water. The boy did not listen and crashed to his death into the ocean.
Right away I picked up on death, dying and tragedy of the poem. The author speaks of many tragedies. We are all dying from the moment of birth, yet we did not ask for this. Children drowning, the elderly knowing that their days are numbered and terrible accidents that occur daily as we all go about our busy lives. We hear about all of these tragedies on a daily basis, through watching the news, internet or just conversation with others. As a society we often look away from tragedies, we are ignorant to the fact that they can happen to us, we are not invincible.
My response to poem. I felt this poem spoke of death and dying and how the world and life just keep going on despite all the daily tragedies. I was confused through out the poem. I did some investigating to try to make more sense of the poem. Through the internet I learned that W.H Aduen viewed the painting Brueghel, in Brussels 1938. I learned that Icarus was a Greek mythological figure. Icarus and his father Daedalus were held captive by the King of Crete. Daedalus made wings for his son to escape and gave him specific instructions. Do not fly to high to the sun or to low to the water. The boy did not listen and crashed to his death into the ocean.
Right away I picked up on death, dying and tragedy of the poem. The author speaks of many tragedies. We are all dying from the moment of birth, yet we did not ask for this. Children drowning, the elderly knowing that their days are numbered and terrible accidents that occur daily as we all go about our busy lives. We hear about all of these tragedies on a daily basis, through watching the news, internet or just conversation with others. As a society we often look away from tragedies, we are ignorant to the fact that they can happen to us, we are not invincible.
Response #1 week #1 "Woman's Work." By Julia Alvarez
"Women's Work." By Julia Alvarez
My response to this poem. I feel as if the author may have resentment towards her mother, due to feeling pressured to be a perfectionist. I feel as if the author is talking of when she was a young child and wanting to play, not clean. Feeling pressured to be like he mother, to be perfect at so called womanly duties. What you see on the outside must be perfect. Never show your inner soul, your heart. The author does not want to be like her mother, but in the end as an adult she finds herself doing woman's work, but not in the cleaning sense, but in her writing work.
I focused on the aspect of the mother teaching her child so called woman's work. That everything must be perfect an art. Who cares if you are smart, want to be care free and play, you must know your place as a woman and practice on the art of homemaking. Do not show emotions with your heart, put all your energy on looking good on the outside. I also feel in the end the author has inherited her mother's perfectionism, as she puts her heart into her work, her professional work. The author may feel she is putting all her heart and soul into her work instead of her child or children.
My response to this poem. I feel as if the author may have resentment towards her mother, due to feeling pressured to be a perfectionist. I feel as if the author is talking of when she was a young child and wanting to play, not clean. Feeling pressured to be like he mother, to be perfect at so called womanly duties. What you see on the outside must be perfect. Never show your inner soul, your heart. The author does not want to be like her mother, but in the end as an adult she finds herself doing woman's work, but not in the cleaning sense, but in her writing work.
I focused on the aspect of the mother teaching her child so called woman's work. That everything must be perfect an art. Who cares if you are smart, want to be care free and play, you must know your place as a woman and practice on the art of homemaking. Do not show emotions with your heart, put all your energy on looking good on the outside. I also feel in the end the author has inherited her mother's perfectionism, as she puts her heart into her work, her professional work. The author may feel she is putting all her heart and soul into her work instead of her child or children.
Response #1 Week #1 English Composition
"On the Amtrak from Boston to New York City." By Sherman Alexie
I can relate to the author on feeling bombarded by the want to be historic tour guide next to you. You didn't ask for any information or conversation, but you are in for an ear full. I have had to endure stories I really could care less about but had no where to escape to, trapped on public transportation. Why does there always seem to be an elder story teller who wants to shove their historical context down your throat. The author seems angry and would like to lash out, but does not. Instead, respects the elder enough to listen.
What really drew my attention to this poem was that the author is really angry and seems to hold resentment to the "white man." The author seems to resent what happened to his ancestors. If it were not for the Indians,being removed from the land and having to live on reservations, there would be no historical facts that this woman on the train speaks of. The author would like to know more of his native culture, he speaks as if there is not enough known to society, this angers the author. Yet, the author bites his tongue and shows kindness to the elder.
I can relate to the author on feeling bombarded by the want to be historic tour guide next to you. You didn't ask for any information or conversation, but you are in for an ear full. I have had to endure stories I really could care less about but had no where to escape to, trapped on public transportation. Why does there always seem to be an elder story teller who wants to shove their historical context down your throat. The author seems angry and would like to lash out, but does not. Instead, respects the elder enough to listen.
What really drew my attention to this poem was that the author is really angry and seems to hold resentment to the "white man." The author seems to resent what happened to his ancestors. If it were not for the Indians,being removed from the land and having to live on reservations, there would be no historical facts that this woman on the train speaks of. The author would like to know more of his native culture, he speaks as if there is not enough known to society, this angers the author. Yet, the author bites his tongue and shows kindness to the elder.
Monday, July 21, 2014
About Me
Hello All!
My name is Deidre Faith Snyder. I was born in Newton, New Jersey on July 19th, 1971. I have lived most of my life in New Jersey, Pennsylvania and upstate New York. I am the oldest of four siblings and I have four beautiful children. Two girls, ages 21 and 13 and two boys ages 18 and 10. I also have several pet children. I am an animal lover and most of my pets are rescues. I am a vegetarian and am a strong believer on animal welfare and against animal cruelty.
I have been a LPN for 16 years and am finally on the road towards my RN, with dreams of becoming a nurse practitioner in the future. I have two more classes to finish with Achieve before I move on to all nursing classes. I am very excited, and proud to have come this far in a short amount of time. I have to thank my family and best friend for supporting me, without them I could never achieve my degree.
I think I will be challenged in English Composition, due to the writing. I really need to reach in deep to pull things out, meaning, I need to sit down and really focus on the task at hand one step at a time. Usually, I am multitasking, not sitting still. I believe that this class is going to help me become a better writer and also help me fine tune my critical thinking skills by teaching me how to focus on the point that is being addressed. Also, how to write a piece of work that is readable, to the point and so that the viewer can understand exactly what they are reading.
I hope with this brief introduction you have gotten to know me a little better.
My name is Deidre Faith Snyder. I was born in Newton, New Jersey on July 19th, 1971. I have lived most of my life in New Jersey, Pennsylvania and upstate New York. I am the oldest of four siblings and I have four beautiful children. Two girls, ages 21 and 13 and two boys ages 18 and 10. I also have several pet children. I am an animal lover and most of my pets are rescues. I am a vegetarian and am a strong believer on animal welfare and against animal cruelty.
I have been a LPN for 16 years and am finally on the road towards my RN, with dreams of becoming a nurse practitioner in the future. I have two more classes to finish with Achieve before I move on to all nursing classes. I am very excited, and proud to have come this far in a short amount of time. I have to thank my family and best friend for supporting me, without them I could never achieve my degree.
I think I will be challenged in English Composition, due to the writing. I really need to reach in deep to pull things out, meaning, I need to sit down and really focus on the task at hand one step at a time. Usually, I am multitasking, not sitting still. I believe that this class is going to help me become a better writer and also help me fine tune my critical thinking skills by teaching me how to focus on the point that is being addressed. Also, how to write a piece of work that is readable, to the point and so that the viewer can understand exactly what they are reading.
I hope with this brief introduction you have gotten to know me a little better.
Wedding Singer part 2
Gathering information from Wikipedia, I have found some interesting facts regarding the movie.
Released in 1998, a romantic comedy written by Tim Herlihy. Starring Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. The movie was produced on a budget of only 18 million dollars and grossed 80 million in the U.S and 123 million worldwide! Later, the hit movie became a Broadway musical in 2006. The movie also scored a 80's hits musical soundtrack. When speaking to people I know who have watched the movie, everyone loves it and finds it to be hilarious. It especially hits home to people who grew up in the 80's and who can appreciate the big hair and all of the glory the big 80's had to offer.
Released in 1998, a romantic comedy written by Tim Herlihy. Starring Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. The movie was produced on a budget of only 18 million dollars and grossed 80 million in the U.S and 123 million worldwide! Later, the hit movie became a Broadway musical in 2006. The movie also scored a 80's hits musical soundtrack. When speaking to people I know who have watched the movie, everyone loves it and finds it to be hilarious. It especially hits home to people who grew up in the 80's and who can appreciate the big hair and all of the glory the big 80's had to offer.
I have recently watched the movie "The Wedding Singer." The movie is based in the 1980's and focuses on the romantic fails of two young individuals who eventually meet and fall in love. I love this movie, because it makes me laugh and I feel happy! I can relate to the music and phrases that are used in the movie in relation to the time period.
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